Thursday, July 23, 2009

Is having more than 1 lover acceptable?


I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Now before you want to jump on me and start questioning me about my moral values, let me justify why I think it's perfectly acceptable and under what circumstances.

If you don't tell the other lover that you have another partner, then it's cheating. You see, there's a difference between a "polygyny" and "polyamory". A polygyny (many+women) means a man having more than one wife at a time and this only applies to man. Polyamory (many+love) is a romantic relationship involving more than 2 people. And this need not necessary be man whom has 2 lovers because it can be vice versa.

To simply illustrate this, it's like a man having 2 love partners and the 2 partners knew of each others existence and they have given their consent. And then this partner can also be in another relationship with another man whom his partner has also given consent. In this case, even a woman can have two boyfriends at a time provided both the boyfriends have given consent. The magic word here is CONSENT. A polyamorous relationship need not be bisexual or to fulfill one's sexual needs. It's a real relationship involving understanding, commitment and love.

I know having 2 partners or even 3 at a time is nothing new. There are so many men or women out there having multiple dates or spouse but what makes polyamorist better than the polygamist is that they are honest about the relationship. If one hides another partner/relationship, it's called CHEATING! While this is not easy for many of us to digest, they are people whom are involved in such relationships. And they managed to do that because of a strong foundation from the primary relationship before moving on to a secondary relationship.

Poly schmolly, I think it's fun to be a polyamorist. It's not easy. There are rules governing this type of relationships. You can just tell your partner, "I would like shag the other person over there and if you don't like it, you can disappear." It's not like this.

Polyamory isn't free love. All these different flavors of polyamory have their own dynamic, but ultimately, they are all about building relationships, not about sex.
The rules of having more than one relationship must be established by the partners and a breach of it would be serious matter - as serious as cheating. Everyone involved in the relationship can not cheat on each other and this is the rule.

I do believe that they are people out there whom are capable of loving more than one person and if they are honest about it, I don't see why this ideology cannot be accepted. While we were taught from young to be loyal to one partner, I cannot help but realise that's the reason why we cheat. If we were taught to be honest and open about the relationship, then wouldn't the relationship be built on trust?

So, before you jump on the bandwagon and declare to your partner that you are practicing polyamory, think of the consequences. Not everyone can accept it. And if your partner can't, that means a no for you too. The foundation of every relationship is trust and honesty which I think I'm lack off.

In support of polyamory anyone?


Yap Chee Hong said...

(starting raise hands up a little by little bit)

YULI said...

my professor made me realize today. that there's nothing wrong as long as no one gets hurt. it's just weird how come no one gets hurt. the 3 of them were able to accept the situation. oh well, they have an extraordinary relationship.

-eiling- said...

Chee Hong: Haha.. tempted?

Yuli: You're right.

suituapui said...

Yul Brynner said this in the movie: The King & I.
"A woman is like a flower, a man is like a bee! A bee can go from flower to flower but a flower cannot go from bee to bee!" Hahahahahahaha!!!

Anonymous said...

As woman’s egg can only accept one sperm, polyamory is possible before she decides to conceive. Only men who are inferior than the woman can accept polyamory.

Guess you have many admirers, they are competitive and you couldn’t decide who to choose? At the end, it boiled down to who you want your son to look like most.

Mike Yip said...

hmmm........ interesting....
actually this crossed my mind before but never could find a likeminded person who'd also think like this also. :p

Huai Bin said...

You know my views on this. It's okay with me. :)

KY said...

Hahahha the picture is best.

Anyway, the truth of the matter is, one party might accept on the surface, but human nature is as such that eventually there'll be cracks, and that's when jealousy comes in. @.@

Anonymous said...

let's change the wording from

Anonymous said...

A lovely blog entry!

Thought you might like a peek at our website (it's for a book about our life of polyamory):

Alan and Anna

-eiling- said...

STP: Now we women can!

Anon: No it's not about whom you want your son to look like. it's about what or rather whom makes you happy.

Mike: Well, it's kinda new to me too.

HB: I know... you're too open about things!

KY: Haha.. you can read my mind. Jealousy topic will be dealt later.

Anon: Wow... you seemed to know me so well?!! Haha.. not really actually.

Alan & Anna: Thanks. Will check it out later.

Philip said...

Most people do it discreetly.So many male and female friends around me are hiding it very well.Actually they also do not hide, do it very openly.Can a romantic relationship continues without sex? Can you avoid it if he really cares and loves you?

Timothy Low said...

Although I haven't experience it (well, at least not that I 'remember' of), I do have friends around me who's in the situation you mentioned. And most of them remain in a confused state for the longest time. Until something dramatic happens, A finds out about B, or C seems like a nicer guy but B loves me more ... etc. And the more I confide in them, the more confuse I get. And I will eventually give up trying. Sad. But true.

foongpc said...

I don't think this will work for most people. At least not with the feeling of insecurities and jealousy among those involved.

But it's definitely better than cheating : )

Anonymous said...

It is interesting to see how long you can keep polyamory relationship going. May be until the time, you couldn’t accept to share your bf with other girls.

Anonymous said...

I have always been interested in knowing how those having more than one wife living in the same house, is able to secure harmony between the wives. Are they never jealous of each other? Can you find out the answer for us? Men could not find the answer from other women, but you as female may get the answer.

-eiling- said...

Philip: It depends on each individual. Different people have different needs and sex is just one of the way of love expressions.

Timothy: It's not easy handling more than 1 romantic relationship at one time but if you can succeed, and there's no cheating involved, then you're a polyamorist!

Foongpc: Jealousy is always the factor! And because of jealousy, many relationships fail!

Anon: I'm not a polyamorist so that proves the point that I don't like to share!

Anon: Wow, you're curious aren't you. I will find out the answer but let's say at the moment I think the answer would be "money above everything else".

Melanie said...

Absolutely acceptable ;p As long as two party agrees, why not? =D

-eiling- said...

Melanie: Thank you!

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