Friday, June 19, 2009

Sex or No Sex before Marriage?

Before I even start elaborating on this controversial yet mind boggling topic, I was asked by my colleagues during the dinner whether I second this or against it. To be inquisitive, is to be human. Therefore, to make this a little bit interesting, I shall only reveal my stand on this topic at the very end after I have given all my thoughts about sex the rationale behind whether it should be done or not.

As human, it's only natural for us to feel attracted and even tempted to do something which we were forbidden. Take Adam and Eve as an example. Didn't they too fell into temptations? God is fair. He made us with brains and he expects us to use it wisely. So what do you get when a silly couple fell into temptation? ~Pregnancy!~ Duh. Absolutely lame huh?

To begin with, I'm not a Christian. And I know in Christianity, people don't decide themselves whether one is right or wrong but the right and wrong come from a higher standard than any individual or group of humans - they come from God. And then this question : How can sex be wrong? I read from somewhere that it may come as a surprise that the biblical view of sex is extremely positive. God thought of sex. Well, he created it, didn't he? He gave this wonderful expression of love for another. There is a whole book of the Old Testament devoted to extolling the beauty of sex and showing God's delight in what he has made pleasurable and good.

Hello people, this is year 2009 and surely God doesn't hate you enough to make you say something so ridiculous and old-fashioned like "I can't have sex with you because we are not married!" What I want to say is that, it should be enjoyed with full responsibility. After all, what is right or wrong is only a view from the society. My morals are entirely arbitrary and personal anyways. So, why should I conform to social standards? Why can't I set my own standards and live the life I want without regret?

For some young adults today, marriage is not viewed as a pre-requisite to engaging in a sexual relationship, and saying "no" to pre-marital sex is considered old-fashioned. Actually it's not a matter whether it's old fashioned or trendy, it's more than meets the eye. When someone decides to engage in a sexual relationship, he or she should know very well of the consequences or the outcome. Yes, it might be a pleasurable one or it might be a disaster but it's entirely up to the willingness of the individuals. No one should be forced or felt obligated to do it. After all, it's a very beautiful engagement and indulgence which any individual should not even feel threatened by it.

For me, I feel that in this 21st century, where arranged marriages and one woman stays chaste before her wedding is totally bollocks. I wouldn't marry a man I have not met! You have to know and try what you are about to buy! That's a life-long committment! Imagine buying a car without even knowing the specifications and test-driving. You can't return a wife or husband the next day after a bad-sex-on-the-marriage-nite! Well, this is debatable because many would have bought a car even without seeing it. That's for the rich. Many richmen have several wives/girlfriends you see... So it wouldn't apply to them.

So, in another way, the decision not to have sex should be made long before the opportunity presents itself if you plan to keep your big V. Steps can then be taken to slow down the natural progression before it gets started. It doesn't work to allow all the preliminary intimacies and then hope to stop the progression just short of intercourse. Once you have allowed to be seduced and even to do the seducing, there's no turning back. How many survived from temptations? Very few people have the willpower to do that.

For many who have been there, done that, then there's no point of even reading this. But what about post regret? Have you regretted having sex before marriage? I don't think I've heard such nonsense so far but I also do not doubt that it can happen on any individual.

And as a closure to this post, my stand is that I positively think that sex is a wonderful activity to be enjoyed with the one you love. It only makes it real when emotions are put into love making. One night stands are not my cup of tea because it's purely sex & lust. In the end, one party will be left hurt unless both have a mutual understanding before the engagement. For those who are still in the dilemma, do what your heart tells you and not what the society expects you to. Do it wisely.

Note: I do not condone sex before marriage but I am not against it either.


KY said...

who's this God person anyway?

Anonymous said...

What happens if the girl has premarital sex and does not get married. She then has sex with a dozen other guys over the years. She says she is in love with all the guys and these are not one night stands. If a guy knows she has slept with a dozen other guys, will he want to marry her?

Anonymous said...






Vivien said...

just some thoughts, guys are allowed to do it... am i correct? whereas girls are best not to do it, for me, i do not condone it merely because "value/stock price" of girls drop once you had it. It is more to gain for guy, and girl has more to lose.

just personal opinion

-eiling- said...

KY: Good question. I haven't found the answer yet. Still searching.

Anon: If she chooses that, it's her choice. What about the guy who sleeps with dozens of girls and why should the wife still accept him? It's a personal opinion and I think both sexes should be equally respected in a relationship. History is past.

Anon: Thanks. I share the same thoughts.

Vivien: Don't ever think of the price. Would you would regret that you have not done it?!! It's the 21st century, and girls should be treated equally. We should have sexual freedom and experience.

suituapui said...

Religion-wise, no sex! I think it is frowned upon as sex there becomes something for sensual pleasure, for fun - like watching porn which is also considered sinful...when sex - the coming of man and woman as one upon marriage - is regarded as sacred, a sanctity. For one thing, if somebody sleeps with every Tom, Dick or Harry, sex loses its value/attraction and the individual loses respect. Anybody prefers a second-hand car (especially if it's dented left, right and centre) to a brand new one?

Spock said...

With great sex, esp. the unprotected ones, comes great responsibilities. at the end of the day, shagging is not wrong unless you have no intention of devoting yourself to your partner.

bottomline, pre-marital sex benefits guys more gals. after all, guys can't conceive babies.

-eiling- said...

STP: I respect your stand on this but I'm sure many out there wouldn't mind a 2nd hand car! Good cars need not be new!

Spock: True. Guys are always the winners in this but that doesn't stop women from abstaining from sex too.

eyeris said...

KY: Apparently he's Robbie Fowler. LOL

Huai Bin said...

I totally agree. Well written Eiling! :)

Anonymous said...

boys and girls, we talk about recycling these days. this is very environmental friendly. those who recycled men or women, will also get a recycled one. fair and square.

so are you out for recycling?

Anonymous said...

it also depends on if you want some one who is excellent. that means experienced one, for both man and woman said...

interesting writeup!

well, different people have different perceptions.. you've stated yours and well, some might agree, some might disagree and some might just be neutral..

im gonna be neutral on this.. nice write up once again! =)

El Nino said...

So... I'm a lustful, inconsiderate infidel who denigrates women and takes away their 'value'?? ROTFL

Alo Ei Ling! Couldn't resist skimming throught just to get to the comments. Hilarious! :D

It's the 21st century, ladies. Giving in to the "cheapen my value" argument just emphasises society's sexist view of women as subservient, lesser humans. Would you allow a guy to judge you on something as trivial as the number of people you've been with, instead of who you are now?

Not that I'm a fan of marriage, but surely shared values, strength of character, and kindness matter more in a serious relationship?

And just in case it's not obvious, I'm all for the bumping-naughty-bits, as long as everyone's honest about their intentions. Marriage or not is a non-issue, and you're just doing it to court controversy, EL ;)

Iriene said...

Everyone has his/her own views.
There is no right or wrong answer.
I am neutral in this matter but from Christian perpective : I heard someone mentioned that she got married after 6 mths knowing this guy coz they really really love each other, if they don't get married, they will sin. Living happily until now, 3 children, 1 grandchidren and she is still young!

§pinzer said...

vivien: hey even so, i think guys also have a price on them.. the more they seem like they can have what they want, but they don't actually do it, it puts them on a certain pedestal. having sex with any hannah, sarah or belinda doesn't make them any more "valued". Saying "no" actually shows how worthy they are :)

EiLing nice write up, i like how you try and get your readers to see it on another perspective, and not just rely on hearsays and mainstream thoughts on it. hopefully there will be those who learn from this!

white is purity said...

i think is better tp have sex before will never know how many times you husband had sex with before marriage.

C.H. Wan said...

This is a message to everybody.
Before sex,get yourself vaccination for cervical cancer which is available in the market today.
For more information, you can either visit me in my clinic or call me at 62722678.

Sorry Ei Ling, This is important!

tRiEi cRiSiS said...

Lol.. luv this.. I totally agree with you.

Anonymous said...

Religion wise, obey His words first. Pleasing God or the partner/friends?

Secondly, I see sex is something wonderful, it's a gift after marriage.

You wrote very good points there eiling but personally I think I will say no first. Sadly, it's like cheap thing, alike Airasia, where everyone can have sex now.

My dua sen anyway :)

Manji said...

oh..its a good topic to discuss.

Anonymous said...

hmm ... how much is the vaccination for cervical cancer?

loves fashiondiva X0X0 said... is smth tat happens without any tell me u plan to have sex rite?it just happen..when suddenly u have passion or u become i tink its not wrg to have sex b4 will make the marriage will be more responsible towards his gf is she is

wayeyoung said...

Discouraging premarital sex is against my code ;)

Anonymous said...

>Before sex,get yourself vaccination for cervical cancer

does it mean all men carry virus? if i have only the cleanest mEn, i don't need it

-eiling- said...

Eyeris: Lol..

Huai Bin: Thanks HB.

Anon: The word recycling did not fit this topic. My personal view because having sex with another person is not the same as using something!

Anon: It's all up to the individuals!

Kenwooi: Thanks!

El Nino: You have proved your point. At least it proves that people are interested in debating on this topic.

Iriene: That's like one in a million?

Spinzer: Thanks!

White is purity: Then, that is revenge!

C.H.Wan: typical doctor comments huh?

Triei Crisis: Thanks!

Anon: No one is right or wrong here.

Manji: Yes...

Anon: I think it's around RM500 for 3 jabs.

Lovesfashiondiva xoxo: We have to have a stand first. If you're against pre-marital sex, like I've elaborated, then abstain from being seduced or seducing!

waveyoung: LOL... good one

Anon: That I really don't know...

Anonymous said...

Hey there, interesting post.=)

Just a few thoughts from a Christian's point of view.

God always speaks for our sake. He wants the best for us. If you have tested it, then you would realise. So when He says no sex before marriage, you know how bad it might be if you do it.

Anyway, the Bible did mention that "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial".

Cathy C said...

Nicely written!

Why is it so unfair because I always hear stories from my guy friends..

The guys always see girls in different way, they call the ladies 'dirty' because they have been having sex with different guy, never have they come across the thoughts where they were emotionally and physically needed to do the same too. When they wants it from their gf, at that moment they think it's nothing wrong with it..But when he gets another gf that are not a virgin anymore, he would probably mind it but he never even think that how he used to do it with his ex-gf too..

Anyway, there's no right or wrong about this. Yes, it's mutual agreement. But the main thing is that, guy shouldn't even look at girls that way.'dirty'? What about the guys that have been making love with tons of ladies out there?? What makes guy 'cleaner' than the ladies?? Gender discrimination..bah..

foongpc said...

You have brought up many good points. In my opinion, God is non judgmental. She gives us free choice to do what we want. So it'll be ridiculous for her to punish us for any wrong choices we make!

Whether to have sex or not before marriage is not the question, the real question is whether we are aware of the consequences.

And I believe God gives us this pleasure of sex for us to enjoy. If not, why did he make it so pleasurable? Doesn't make sense that he purposely tempt us and try to make us go to hell, right?

Anonymous said...

The religion that bans contraceptive will ban sex before marriage to avoid embarrassment from pregnancy before marriage.


Think before you do lads!!

Anonymous said...

Religion ban contraceptive for the sole reason to promote population growth. Empirically, believers of religion that ban contraceptive have large family, are less educated, economically poorer and technology less advanced e.g. Latin America vs North America, Southern Europe vs Northen Europe.

C.H. Wan said...

The price for each dose of cervical cancer vaccine is RM165. That's how much i charge, Statistics shows 70% of girls had experience sex by age of 16. You can lecture them about safety, responsibility, and consequences of premarital sex, but once the heat is on, all logic goes outside the window

-eiling- said...

Anon: Thanks for sharing. But I think in general, everyone has the right to be happy.

Cathy C: Way to go girl!

Foongpc: My sentiments exactly!

Anon: True.

Million Dollar Guy: Yes!

Anon: True.

C.H.Wan: Thanks for the info.

Anonymous said...

hmm .. talking about the cervical cancer vaccination .. after 3 jabs confirm wont affect with cervical cancer?100% wont affect?

-eiling- said...

Anon: i really have no idea.

Hillary said...

I cringed at the part where you wrote about not buying a car before a test-drive.

I wouldn't treat a man as a car, and I don't wish to be treated like one as well. What happens when you test-drive the Honda and finds that it's not to your taste, do you test-drive the Toyota, BM, Merz, Proton, et cetera as well? And discard it after the one test drive?

Not a good analogy, IMO.

-eiling- said...

Hillary: I accept your views on the matter but do realise that sex is a very important part of a relationship before/after marriage for some couples. No one is right or wrong if they have gone through multiple partners. It's all about your preference because in the end, everyone would want the marriage to last.

TheGunner said...

"For me, I feel that in this 21st century, where arranged marriages and one woman stays chaste before her wedding is totally bollocks. I wouldn't marry a man I have not met! You have to know and try what you are about to buy! That's a life-long committment! Imagine buying a car without even knowing the specifications and test-driving. You can't return a wife or husband the next day after a bad-sex-on-the-marriage-nite! Well, this is debatable because many would have bought a car even without seeing it. That's for the rich. Many richmen have several wives/girlfriends you see... So it wouldn't apply to them." - I'm putting this on my FB profile.

There will always be two sides to the argument on this matter. Everyone is entitled to his/her stand on the matter, but it's important to respect the opinions of others and not impose yours on them.

However, in a relationship, it's crucial that BOTH sides have the same views on sex before or after marriage.

eiling lim said...

The Gunner: Haha... are you serious that would be your FB profile? Don't forget to credit the philosopher (which is me of course)!

I think what you said was right. It's important that both the couples know what they wanted.

TheGunner said...

Of course, because ppl cock-stare me every time I use that analogy. So, this is vindication of my words that a lady quotes something similar independently.

And yes, you're credited.

eiling lim said...

The Gunner: Thanks. That's why they said I should be born a man.

This comment has been removed by the author.
eiling lim said...

Dreamartz studios: 谢谢! I can only read a little chinese but I can speak. But thanks for reading!

Anonymous said...

Yea, i agree that as a human being we do have the freedom to do whatever that we wish for..but men would not prefer a 2nd hand wife if there are better choices for him or even if there are two equally good but one is not V , definitely the guy will go u know what i mean

yuki said...

I had been attending quite a lot of workshop about this topic, and plenty of debate (coz i was doing psychology in my uni) however, i am very agree with what you said. Good post and keep it on.. ;-)

CHEE LOON said...

Spending a few mins reading on this post, its worth it and i like your sentence and even, your point of view, 'It only makes it real when emotions are put into love making'.

Anonymous said...

after reading the line where she said she'll only reveal whether she is for it or against it, i immediately scrolled down... hehehe...

am i the only one that did that?

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